This week I have been struggling. I have been struggling with the fact that I have such passion to create art right now and not enough time to do what I want/need to do. I am struggling with the fact that I had 3 different artistic opportunities come my way this week that I may have to say "no" to just because it is not possible with the stage of life I am in. Between running a house full of five boys (husband included) and having a toddler in the mix, I feel like I am moving at a snails pace with my art career. This week I felt like I was, in a way, under attack. I feel so passionate and inspired right now which is a great thing. I have certainly been on the other end before in very dry spells which is very frustrating. I'm so glad to have this creative motor going on inside me right now, but on the other hand, it can be very challenging when I have to slow the motor down so often.
Motherhood can feel like such a priority and some days I feel guilty for doing art, or even wanting so badly to do it. I realize that these thoughts are wrong. This week when I was feeling like I was under attack I decided to find out what God would say about this issue. I decided to open up the devotional that came through on my email that day and the title was "How to Make Time for You". How ironic! It was all about caring for ourselves by pursuing our passions to become who God created us to be. This was the verse included in the devotional... "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Psalm 139:13-14a (NIV)
Then today I just got a letter in the mail. It was from a mother of a former student of mine. She was the very first art student I ever taught in Akron and I would give her a private art lesson every week after school. The letter brought me to tears as I read about how I impacted her daughter just through teaching her art. I never realized at the time how I helped her in deeper ways besides teaching her art, and now I see that God was using me for a greater purpose. Her mother told me to look up Exodus 35 and read at the end of the chapter about the man who was "chosen to lead the design team". He was given his gifts by God and also given the ability to teach it to others. When I read these verses, I found that God chose him and filled him with skill, ability and knowledge in all kinds of crafts, along with the ability to teach others.
I think what God is trying to tell me is that "It's ok Tara. I have created you exactly the way I wanted to. I planned out your life before you took your first breath. I gave you unique passions and skills that I want you to use with me in mind. Don't stress out. I wouldn't have given you these boys to care of and made you this way if I didn't think you would be able to have the chance to use what I gave you. Find the fringe hours to use to pour out what I've given you, and let me do the rest. I am working in and through you in ways you may not see. I love you."